Dating During Covid?
By Kristen Schaer, MA LMHCA of Modern Therapy Seattle
Dating during coronavirus? When I posed that question to friends and acquaintances during quarantine, I got a few immediate responses that ranged from the definitive, “Dating during a worldwide pandemic? NO WAY!” to the lukewarm, “But how does that work, really?” I thought this blog might be finished before it started, but then the private messages started flowing in and people told me they wanted to talk. One friend told me that it was actually a relief to be finally talking about it amidst all this uncertainty.
Dating has increasingly gone digital, as a Pew Research Center report from early February 2020 found, with 30% of US adults stating they had used a dating app or website, up from 11% in 2013. LGBTQIA adults were twice as likely to have used a dating site at some point.
Isolation from the places we go and the people we see every day can create an even keener desire to connect with and truly be seen by another human being. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist, research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, and longtime Match.com advisor stated, in an April 21st Vanity Fair article, “Catastrophes push us to make our next step in life. That’s what they do...You may have been vaguely aware that you want or need a partner, but you’re busy at work, you’re busy with your family, you’ve got your weekends with your friends, et cetera.”
Amelia matched with a man who lives in Iceland on an app and has been appreciating the process of sharing what her life is like in the here and now: “I think we’re sort of in more of a mode to share moments from our lives and less about learning about each other’s past or intentions for the future. In the past, when I’ve dated people in person, it has been more of an information share. This feels more like a friend I can share my world with.”
“Love on Lockdown: Tips for Dating During the Coronavirus,” a May 5th NPR article set out some suggestions for online dating. (https://www.npr.org/2020/05/04/849994266/love-on-lockdown-tips-for-dating-during-the-coronavirus-crisis): 1. Don’t force yourself to use dating apps right now. 2. Embrace the real you 3. Be honest and direct. 4. Give yourself some grace right now. Social mores and “rules” surrounding dating are continuously in flux, which can make adapting to dating an even more challenging situation.
Melina has been trying to navigate potential dating situations with her children and a past partner coming back into her life in a friendly context: “My roommates are my two kids, and I normally wouldn't have a date with them around, at least not a first date with a stranger, so that has taken a little planning. I did have my first FaceTime date while my kids were home, but we waited until after they went to bed. I was concerned that they would come down for a drink or to talk to me while I was on this date, though that didn't end up happening.”
She feels like things have taken a more casual air by the necessity of social distancing, and hopes that when the quarantine is lifted, things become more clear. Things like being able to be physically affectionate, determining chemistry, and the excitement of sexual tension are somewhat dulled by the distance: “I haven't initiated chatting very much - much less than I would if I knew I would be seeing that person soon. It sort of removes some of the sexual tension around seeing a new person, just because you can't see or touch each other, and you don't know how long it will be until you can. I guess I could see it going the other way, where talking virtually for an extended time actually builds the tension, but for me that hasn't happened.”
Navigating a burgeoning relationship can take on some difficult dimensions, as well. Who do we choose to quarantine with? Does this situation precipitate things getting serious sooner than either of you expected? How will this relationship progress under these extraordinary circumstances? What do dates look like?
Breanna was having an on-again, off-again sexual relationship with a past partner. Given the history of the relationship, she sensed that the imposition of quarantine would make him distance himself from her to avoid committing to isolating together. “That really hurt my feelings because if you can't be there for someone during a global pandemic, were you really there for them at all? But it's for the best because staying involved just extends the mismatch/false start and makes me feel like no one else is around, which I know isn't true.”
She found that she also shared a connection with a carpenter she’d been casually seeing before the quarantine, and decided to continue to deepen the connection as time went on. In fact, they spent the last night before the city locked down going to a comedy show together. For her birthday, she asked him if he’d like to spend the day together, since he was the only other person besides her roommates that she’d spent time with since coronavirus quarantine began.
“After several hikes over the past six weeks or so, my birthday was fast approaching , so I asked if the carpenter would spend a few hours with me. It was kind of a shot in the dark, but he seemed happy to do it. We went for a picnic. I am not sure I would have asked him under normal circumstances, but he is literally the only person I've hung out with since this all started, so I figured it would be fun and I didn't want to sit at home all day. The picnic ended up being really nice, and he brought me a woodcut with an engraving that he made and wrapped nicely with a card.”
As always, dating has its own set of difficulties, barriers, and frustrations, and coronavirus has thrown another wrench into that tortuous pathway to finding potential love. For some, it has given them a reason to hope and for others, it has given a respite from the mundanities that a life in seclusion from the outside world can provide. Many people have thrown around the phrase, “Love in the time of corona,” an echoing of Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ book, “Love in the Time of Cholera,” which examines the nature of love and its endurance through obstacles and time: ““It was the time when they loved each other best, without hurry or excess, when both were most conscious of and grateful for their incredible victories over adversity. Life would still present them with other mortal trails, of course, but that no longer mattered: they were on the other shore. ” And so, perhaps this time in which the world is almost at a standstill and industry and busy-ness are quieted, that we can find the time to quiet ourselves, slow ourselves, and find, at the very least, the opportunity to get to know another person.