SAYING GOODBYE TO 2020 by Valerie Woolley LMHCA of Modern Therapy Seattle

If you want a tree to grow, it won’t help to water the leaves. You have to water the roots. 

---Thich Nhat Hanh

Reflecting on the year, I am inspired by the clients at Modern Therapy Seattle, who remained determined to continue therapy and self-care during a year of tragedy and uncertainty. Additionally, clients were able to walk this unchartered path with their therapists, who were also enduring loss, grief, anxiety, fear, dread…you name it. We held each other up! Courage strengthened us all.

As 2020 winds down, I hear chimes of, “Let us start over, good riddance, the next year will be better.” Although I understand the desire to move on--to put the past behind us--I strongly feel that we might benefit from giving heartfelt attention and ritual to the last 12 months. How might we honor the hardships? And how might we carry forth compassion and gratitude?

On December 31, I plan to engage with a ritual to respectfully say goodbye to the dark of 2020…even though my impulse is to say, “Peace Out!” and pretend the year did not happen. But it did. And the challenges will be forever etched into our lives. I am curious about the opportunity such suffering provides.

If allowing yourself time for a healing ritual appeals to you, too, then follow the instructions below for a meditation. I suggest burning or burying the paper used in the meditation. 

COMPASSIONATE FAREWELL TO 2020

1. Write down a list of losses, challenges, disappointments of 2020--anything you want to say goodbye to.

2. Rip/cut into individual strips of paper.

3. Find a quiet, private, calm space and find a comfortable place to sit.

4. Light a candle.

5. Ground yourself and set an intention, such as “I honor the tough year and the lessons learned.” Or “Let the challenges of 2020 strengthen my resolve to find purpose, meaning, and commonality in 2021.”

6. Read out loud one list item. Sit with the discomfort for several breaths (as many as feels right). Where do you feel it in your body? Next, conjure self-compassion for the discomfort--kindness toward all we have been through; notice the difference in your body. Take a few more deep breaths, nurturing emotions, sensations, & thoughts. Then choose one of the following and put that strip of paper:

   1. Into a fire to burn.

   2. Into the earth to bury (for example, in a potted plant, garden, or yard).

   3. Into a box to save for disposal of your choice.

7. Repeat step 6 for each item.

8. After you have read the entire list and either burned, buried, or boxed, say out loud the following mantra:

May I have compassion for the collective suffering and uncertainty of 2020. May I bring love and a desire for peace forward to 2021. May I have the strength to support social movements that aim to heal the earth and welcome health, safety, equality to all people. Finally, may I make self-compassion a priority throughout the next year.

1. Take three deep breaths followed by three luxurious sighs. Stretch your arms. Hug yourself.

2. Blow out the candle.

3. You are now ready to welcome the light of 2021. Do so with kindness.

This meditation could be intense! I suggest you drink some water and give yourself time to rejoin the space you are in. You might want to journal about your experience.

With love and gratitude,

Valerie 

Covid Considerations: Dating During Covid?

Dating During Covid? 

By Kristen Schaer, MA LMHCA of Modern Therapy Seattle

Dating during coronavirus? When I posed that question to friends and acquaintances during quarantine, I got a few immediate responses that ranged from the definitive, “Dating during a worldwide pandemic? NO WAY!” to the lukewarm, “But how does that work, really?” I thought this blog might be finished before it started, but then the private messages started flowing in and people told me they wanted to talk. One friend told me that it was actually a relief to be finally talking about it amidst all this uncertainty.

Dating has increasingly gone digital, as a Pew Research Center report from early February 2020 found, with 30% of US adults stating they had used a dating app or website, up from 11% in 2013. LGBTQIA adults were twice as likely to have used a dating site at some point. 

Isolation from the places we go and the people we see every day can create an even keener desire to connect with and truly be seen by another human being. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist, research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, and longtime Match.com advisor stated, in an April 21st Vanity Fair article, “Catastrophes push us to make our next step in life. That’s what they do...You may have been vaguely aware that you want or  need a partner, but you’re busy at work, you’re busy with your family, you’ve got your weekends with your friends, et cetera.”

Amelia matched with a man who lives in Iceland on an app and has been appreciating the process of sharing what her life is like in the here and now: “I think we’re sort of in more of a mode to share moments from our lives and less about learning about each other’s past or intentions for the future. In the past, when I’ve dated people in person, it has been more of an information share. This feels more like a friend I can share my world with.”  

“Love on Lockdown: Tips for Dating During the Coronavirus,” a May 5th NPR article set out some suggestions for online dating. (https://www.npr.org/2020/05/04/849994266/love-on-lockdown-tips-for-dating-during-the-coronavirus-crisis): 1. Don’t force yourself to use dating apps right now. 2. Embrace the real you 3. Be honest and direct. 4. Give yourself some grace right now. Social mores and “rules” surrounding dating are continuously in flux, which can make adapting to dating an even more challenging situation. 

Melina has been trying to navigate potential dating situations with her children and a past partner coming back into her life in a friendly context: “My roommates are my two kids, and I normally wouldn't have a date with them around, at least not a first date with a stranger, so that has taken a little planning. I did have my first FaceTime date while my kids were home, but we waited until after they went to bed. I was concerned that they would come down for a drink or to talk to me while I was on this date, though that didn't end up happening.”

 She feels like things have taken a more casual air by the necessity of social distancing, and hopes that when the quarantine is lifted, things become more clear. Things like being able to be physically affectionate, determining chemistry, and the excitement of sexual tension are somewhat dulled by the distance: “I haven't initiated chatting very much - much less than I would if I knew I would be seeing that person soon. It sort of removes some of the sexual tension around seeing a new person, just because you can't see or touch each other, and you don't know how long it will be until you can. I guess I could see it going the other way, where talking virtually for an extended time actually builds the tension, but for me that hasn't happened.”

Navigating a burgeoning relationship can take on some difficult dimensions, as well. Who do we choose to quarantine with? Does this situation precipitate things getting serious sooner than either of you expected? How will this relationship progress under these extraordinary circumstances? What do dates look like? 

Breanna was having an on-again, off-again sexual relationship with a past partner. Given the history of the relationship, she sensed that the imposition of quarantine would make him distance himself from her to avoid committing to isolating together. “That really hurt my feelings because if you can't be there for someone during a global pandemic, were you really there for them at all? But it's for the best because staying involved just extends the mismatch/false start and makes me feel like no one else is around, which I know isn't true.”

She found that she also shared a connection with a carpenter she’d been casually seeing before the quarantine, and decided to continue to deepen the connection as time went on. In fact, they spent the last night before the city locked down going to a comedy show together. For her birthday, she asked him if he’d like to spend the day together, since he was the only other person besides her roommates that she’d spent time with since coronavirus quarantine began.

“After several hikes over the past six weeks or so, my birthday was fast approaching , so I asked if the carpenter would spend a few hours with me. It was kind of a shot in the dark, but he seemed happy to do it. We went for a picnic. I am not sure I would have asked him under normal circumstances, but he is literally the only person I've hung out with since this all started, so I figured it would be fun and I didn't want to sit at home all day. The picnic ended up being really nice, and he brought me a woodcut with an engraving that he made and wrapped nicely with a card.”

As always, dating has its own set of difficulties, barriers, and frustrations, and coronavirus has thrown another wrench into that tortuous pathway to finding potential love. For some, it has given them a reason to hope and for others, it has given a respite from the mundanities that a life in seclusion from the outside world can provide. Many people have thrown around the phrase, “Love in the time of corona,” an echoing of Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ book, “Love in the Time of Cholera,” which examines the nature of love and its endurance through obstacles and time: ““It was the time when they loved each other best, without hurry or excess, when both were most conscious of and grateful for their incredible victories over adversity. Life would still present them with other mortal trails, of course, but that no longer mattered: they were on the other shore. ” And so, perhaps this time in which the world is almost at a standstill and industry and busy-ness are quieted, that we can find the time to quiet ourselves, slow ourselves, and find, at the very least, the opportunity to get to know another person.

How a Daily 10 Minute Exercise Can Boost Your Happiness from the BBC

With just six simple steps, this programme could enhance your well-being in less time than it takes to drink a cup of coffee.

By David Robson

19 October 2018

Even if you have not been diagnosed with a mental illness, day-to-day stresses can easily drain your life of fulfilment and contentment.

There is no shortage of evidence-based strategies that can help to pull you out of that rut – the scientific field of so-called ‘positive psychology’ is now 20 years old and has provided countless techniques to boost your mood.

But how do we find the time to apply them in our daily lives? Sandi Mann, a lecturer at the University of Central Lancashire, offers one solution. Building on her experience as a clinical psychologist, she has some suggestions that might help. As she outlines in her book, Ten Minutes to Happiness, her programme takes the form of a daily journal, to be completed in six parts:

1.         What experiences, however mundane, gave you pleasure?

2.         What praise and feedback did you receive?

3.         What were the moments of pure good fortune?

4.         What were your achievements, however small?

5.         What made you feel grateful?

6.         How did you express kindness?

Much of the programme builds on a vast amount of scientific research showing that taking a little time to reappraise your day in these ways can slowly shift your mindset so that you eventually find more happiness in your life. When we feel low, it can be easy to overlook the things that are going right – and keeping this journal brings them to the forefront of your attention.

Mann stresses that the benefits do not just come from the immediate lift as you write the entries; re-reading your previous entries can help you cope with difficult situations in the future too. Thanks to our ‘associative’ memory, a dark mood – caused by one bad event – may lead you to preferentially remember other sources of stress and unhappiness. Whenever that happens, leafing through the pages of your journal may help you to break out of that ruminative spiral.

The sixth point builds on recent research into the power of kindness. Various studies have found that selfless acts not only increase the well-being of those around you, they consistently boost your own mood too. Spending a bit of money to help a stranger, for instance, makes you far happier than using the same cash to treat yourself, a finding that has been replicated in more than 130 countries.

Focusing on those occasions should ensure you make the most of those warm feelings while also encouraging you to look for new opportunities the next day. (You can read more about this research in BBC Future’s archive story: Does it pay to be kind to strangers?)

A 10-minute review of your day can’t work miracles, of course – and Mann stresses that anyone who suspects they may suffer from depression should still see their GP for professional medical care. But for those who generally feel ‘low’ and stressed, without severe clinical symptoms, this might just help put you back on the right path.

If you find Mann’s approach interesting, you may also enjoy her counterintuitive research on boredom. In a series of experiments, she has found that short periods of tedium can bring great benefits.

Read the rest of this article here.

Is It Okay If Your Partner’s Parents Don’t Like You?

Is It Okay If Your Partner’s Parents Don’t Like You?

KIMBERLY TRUONG

AUGUST 15, 2018, 9:30 AM

PHOTO: COURTESY OF WARNER BROS PICTURES.

Crazy Rich Asians might be about a group of people so wealthy that they can afford to drop millions on a pair of earrings without thinking about it, but the story at the center is pretty relatable: Girl meets boy, they fall in love, girl goes to meet boy's family who are — shall we say — less than receptive to her.

It might make for a lot of tension if your partner's parents don't like you, but psychotherapist and dating coach Kate Stewartsays it doesn't necessarily spell the end of your relationship. The way that it affects your relationship, however, will depend a lot on how your partner feels about their family.

"It definitely can matter if someone is very enmeshed or fused with their families," she says. "If someone is really intent on making their family happy and following in their family’s footsteps and doing what’s expected of them, it is kind of the kiss of death."

Related StoriesIs There A "Bad" Time To Meet Your S.O.'s ParentsWhen To "Meet The Parents"Is Crazy Rich Asians' Nick Young A Bad Guy?

But, if your partner isn't easily swayed by their parents opinions and can look past that, Stewart says, your relationship can definitely continue, but keep in mind that things can change later on.

Continue reading the article here.

When to Tell Your Partner About Your Mental Health Issues

I can’t tell you how honored I am to be interviewed on this very important topic! I hope this article is helpful to you.

When to Tell Your Partner About Your Mental Health Issues

KIMBERLY TRUONG

SEPTEMBER 6, 2018, 2:20 PM

PHOTOGRAPHED BY REFINERY29.

There are plenty of big conversations you'll probably have when you're dating someone: whether or not you want to get married, if you want to have children, and when you might want to move in together. But for people who struggle with mental health problems, one of those major conversations might be telling a partner about what they go through, and why they might have "off" days.

Kate Stewart, a psychotherapist and dating coach, says that if you're dating someone with whom you see long-term relationship potential, it's generally a good idea to start talking about mental health issues sooner rather than later. It might not necessarily be the best first date material, but she says that about a month or so into a relationship is a good time to at least begin the conversation. Because "if it isn’t said earlier or early-ish, people may feel it’s been kept from them specifically," Stewart says.

Continue reading this article here.

3 Types Of Infidelity You Never Knew Existed

Infidelity and breaks of trust are a big topic in our therapy practice! This was an interesting piece to weigh in on, since the topic of infidelity has such a different flavor in working with the non-monogamous community. Thanks for visiting the Modern Therapy Seattle blog!

In an episode of The L Word, a group of friends sit around a campfire and debate what counts as cheating. "Who here, put up your hand, thinks that kissing is cheating?" one of the women asks. Just about everyone raises their hand. Before that, one of the more conservative women in the group, Tasha, claimed that even thinking about having sex with someone outside of a monogamous relationship counts as cheating. That argument didn't go over well. As many of the other women say, it's hard to control your thoughts. But, there are people like Tasha, who believe that straying in your mind constitutes infidelity. There are also people like Shane, another woman in the group, who says that having sex with someone else might not be cheating if there isn't an emotional connection.

While this scene doesn't actually clear up what counts as cheating, it does make clear that there's no consensus on infidelity. For most people in a monogamous relationship, having sex with or kissing someone who isn't your partner definitely counts as cheating. But what about fantasising about a friend or acquaintance? Or lying about how much money you spend?

In some people's eyes, doing those things would make someone an unfaithful partner. So, we talked to relationship experts to break down different types of "cheating," and what to do if you think your partner is being unfaithful.

Continue reading the rest of the article here:

In an episode of The L Word, a group of friends sit around a campfire and debate what counts as cheating. "Who here, put up your hand, thinks that kissing is cheating?" one of the women asks. Just about everyone raises their hand. Before that, one of the more conservative women in the group, Tasha, claimed that even thinking about having sex with someone outside of a monogamous relationship counts as cheating. That argument didn't go over well. As many of the other women say, it's hard to control your thoughts. But, there are people like Tasha, who believe that straying in your mind constitutes infidelity. There are also people like Shane, another woman in the group, who says that having sex with someone else might not be cheating if there isn't an emotional connection.

While this scene doesn't actually clear up what counts as cheating, it does make clear that there's no consensus on infidelity. For most people in a monogamous relationship, having sex with or kissing someone who isn't your partner definitely counts as cheating. But what about fantasising about a friend or acquaintance? Or lying about how much money you spend?

In some people's eyes, doing those things would make someone an unfaithful partner. So, we talked to relationship experts to break down different types of "cheating," and what to do if you think your partner is being unfaithful.

Continue reading the rest of the article here:

https://www.refinery29.uk/what-is-considered-cheating-in-a-relationship

10 Ways to Reach Out When You're Struggling with Your Mental Health

This article does something that we as therapists have neglected to do for many years, and that is actually EXPLAIN what we mean when we say "be sure to reach out if you suffering." So thankful for this article!

10 WAYS TO ‘REACH OUT’ WHEN YOU’RE STRUGGLING WITH YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

March 3, 2018

I’m a mental health writer and advocate, and a suicide attempt survivor. I’ve told people on this blog many times, “Keep reaching out.” I’ve written multiple articles preaching the importance of vulnerability, defying stigma, and owning your struggles.

This is my whole thing, okay? This is what I do.

So when one of my closest friends died by suicide a few weeks ago, I wasn’t just shocked — I was completely gutted.

I thought there was never a question of whether or not my loved ones could reach out to me. But the very person who I’d talked to so often about mental health… didn’t call me.

Not even to say goodbye.

The last night I spent with them.

In the weeks following their suicide, my grief took me to dark places. I soon began having my own suicidal thoughts. And even then, when it was my turn to “reach out”? Even after losing my friend? I began to withdraw, too.

I watched, with painful awareness, as I did much of what my friend seemed to do leading up to their suicide. I wrote myself off as a burden. I isolated myself. I got lost in my own head. And despite knowing the danger of where I found myself, I said nothing.

After an especially scary night, I realized something: No one ever explained to me how to ask for help. No one told me what “reaching out” even meant.

As my grief began to snowball, I hesitated to tell anyone I was struggling, largely because I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what to ask for, and without knowing what to ask for, it felt too complicated and futile to ask.

“Why didn’t they tell me?” is such a common refrain when we talk about suicide or mental health challenges in general. It’s easy to make this remark, because “tell someone” seems like a simple request. But in truth, it’s vague at best.

“REACHING OUT” IS THIS SKILL WE’RE SOMEHOW EXPECTED TO KNOW, YET IT’S NEVER TAUGHT AND RARELY MODELED FOR US.

It’s this vague, hopeful sentiment that people throw around, without ever really defining it. What are we asking people to do or say? It’s not exactly clear.

So I want to get more specific. We need to be more specific.

I don’t know if an article like this could’ve saved my friend. But what I do know is that we need to normalize asking for help and talk about what that might look like, rather than pretending it’s a simple and intuitive thing to do.

Maybe then, we can reach people sooner. We can meet them more compassionately. And we can find better ways to support them.

So if you’re struggling but you don’t know what to say? I get it.

Let’s talk about it.

1. “I’M (DEPRESSED/ANXIOUS/SUICIDAL). I’M NOT SURE WHAT TO ASK FOR, BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW.”

Sometimes we don’t know exactly what we need, or we’re unsure of what someone can offer. That’s okay; that shouldn’t discourage us from reaching out. It’s perfectly fine if you have no idea what you need or want — especially when all you can think about is how much you’re hurting.

Let someone know how you’re feeling. You might be surprised by the ways they offer to support you. And if they aren’t helpful? Keep asking until you find someone who is, or seek out a hotline (I know it can be weird to talk to a stranger, but there are some awesome hotlines out there).

2. “I’M STRUGGLING WITH MY MENTAL HEALTH AND WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING ISN’T WORKING. CAN WE (MEET UP/SKYPE/ETC) ON (DATE) AND COME UP WITH A BETTER PLAN?”

Feeling helpless or exhausted is part and parcel for dealing with a broken mental health system. But a team approach can make it a little more manageable. Sometimes we need a cheerleader/researcher that helps us explore our options, especially when we’re having trouble believing that we have any.

One thing you’ll also notice is that, for almost everything on this list, I suggest setting a time.

This is important for a couple reasons. The first being that it helps the person you’re talking to understand the urgency behind your ask. It can also be helpful to know that there’s an event in the near future when you can expect to receive some support. This can help us hang in there when things get bleak.

3. “I DON’T FEEL SAFE BY MYSELF RIGHT NOW. CAN YOU STAY ON THE PHONE WITH ME/COME OVER UNTIL I CALM DOWN?”

I know this is a hard one to say. Because we often fear telling someone just how much we’re struggling, and admitting that we don’t feel safe? That’s a biggie. Obviously you can replace the word “safe” if it’s not working for you, but I always encourage people to be direct, because it’s the surest route to getting exactly what we need.

Asking someone to be present might feel especially vulnerable. It might not even feel like, in the moment, it’ll make that much of a difference. But you’re more likely to feel better with support than without any.

And remember, from everything we know about mental illness, depression is more likely to be a liar than a truth-teller (I talk about that a bunch in this blog post).

amazing, which is explain something that therapists and other mental health advocates have taken for granted for years! We all say "reach out if you are suffering," but we never explain exactly what that looks like. 

Read the rest of this article here:

https://letsqueerthingsup.com/2018/03/03/10-ways-to-reach-out-when-youre-struggling-with-your-mental-health/

"How To Be Friends With Your Ex" from Autostraddle

I'm always delighted to be called for interviews, especially by writers for progressive websites like Autostraddle! 

Creating and maintaining friendships with exes is an important part of some small communities, like non-monogamous or queer communities. Not to mention relationships with shared custody of children or property!

How To Be Friends With Your Ex

Posted by Carolyn Yates on March 6, 2018 at 11:56am PST

Whether you see it as the biggest lesbian cliché or a necessary part of living within queer communities, being friends with an ex — ex-hook-up, ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, ex-activity-partner, ex-never-put-a-label-on-it-so-does-“ex”-even-apply — crosses everyone’s mind sooner or later.

Personally, my ex-partner Jenna is also one of my best friends, so I called her to ask how we got here. “We were dating and it was really fucking shitty, and you take all the shittiness away, and now it’s now. One of the reasons it was hard to break up was because we got along in some ways, and in other ways not so much, so it was like taking away all the ways that we didn’t get along and keeping all the ways we do get along,” Jenna told me. For me, the end of our romantic partnership felt less like a breakup and more like getting my friend back. Moving cities immediately, being each other’s support network, and the fact that we were always better over email helped, too.

Maybe you still have so much in common, maybe you have all the same friends and don’t want it to be weird, maybe you have no friends except for each other, maybe you want to honor your history together, maybe you run a business together, maybe you have really high attachment anxiety and this is what you do, or maybe you just want to make sharing your cats or kids goes smoothly. Here’s how to be friends with an ex.

Read the rest of the article here!

https://www.autostraddle.com/how-to-be-friends-with-your-ex-413096/

Discussion about the Non-Offending Pedophile population

Most of you know the term "pedophile," but the reality of the word isn't understood by many. Pedophilia is a status, and depending on who you ask, it is either a mental illness, a sexual orientation, or perhaps both.  Contrary to popular belief, a pedophile is not automatically an abuser of children. Please know that we are advocating the support of the Non-Offending Pedophile population, but we absolutely do not condone child abuse. Hear more of my interview with Kirk Honda from Psychology in Seattle here:

http://tobtr.com/10587707

Valentine's Day Advice with Two Therapists

I've been on the Psychology in Seattle podcast a number of times before, and I always enjoy talking to Kirk Honda. His perspective is always interesting, because his therapy training is different from mine. His orientation is more of a systems or family style, and I am trained originally as an individual therapist.  Nevertheless, everyone has something to say about Valentine's Day! 

Listen to the podcast here:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/psychologyinseattle/2018/02/14/valentines-day-advice

How To Handle Valentine's Day When You're In A Brand-New Relationship

I was thrilled to be asked by Kasandra to contribute to this article! As a dating coach, Valentine's Day is one of my favorite days of the year, but I know it brings angst to a lot of people. I had a hilarious conversation with Kasandra about how to celebrate V Day with a new dating partner, specifically folks who may not be into the traditional hearts and flowers.

You're three weeks into a new relationship, and then suddenly it's Valentine's Day. What do you do? Try to ignore it and run away? Or make a huge romantic gesture? After all, everyone else is making grand declarations of love, so why not join in?

There's another option to consider — one that's somewhere in between ice cold and burning hot. Let's call it lukewarm. Or as Kate Stewart, a counselor and dating coach in Seattle, says, "scale your Valentine's Day from zero to medium."

That's dependent on where you are in the relationship, of course. If you're three dates in, maybe it's best to ignore the holidayaltogether. (Might we suggest celebrating Galentine's Day with your best pals instead?) But if you're a month in and have had "the talk" — you know, the one where you decide you actually are in a relationship and not just hooking up — then something small and meaningful could be in order.

Still not sure what that small and meaningful thing could be? We talked to Stewart and two other dating experts — Joy Harden Bradford, PhD, a licensed psychologist and owner of Therapy For Black Girls, and Frankie Bashan, PsyD, a professional matchmaker for queer women — for some suggestions. Read on for their complete guide to Valentine's Day for you and your brand-new bae.

Finish reading the article here!

https://www.refinery29.com/en-ca/2019/02/223509/valentines-day-ideas-new-relationship